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In A Wild Turn Of Events, I Am Officially An Alabama Football Fan For Today

I never thought I’d ever type these words, but I am officially an Alabama Crimson Tide fan for today as they face the Arkansas Razorbacks.

College football has been a big part of my life for as long as I can remember, and I’ve hated the SEC the whole time. The Crimson Tide are the face of the SEC, and it was only natural to hate them as part of my disdain for the conference as a whole.

Now, let me be crystal clear. I don’t hate Alabama, or the people from the great state. I know a handful of people from Alabama. They’re great people. Some might even say they’re the best people. This is simply about football, and destroying my enemies.

Ladies and gentlemen, part of life is knowing when it’s time to side with the enemy to defeat somebody more menacing. It’s why we allied with the Soviet Union in WWII, and it’s why law enforcement officers side with lower level criminal informants in order to get the enemy they want more.

That is why I am cheering for the Crimson Tide today. I totally put aside my dislike for the program and realized this is about destroying Bret Bielema and the Hogs. It is time for the people of Alabama to join forces with the great people of Wisconsin.

You know I always give it to you straight when I’m willing to openly cheer for Nick Saban, as long as it results in Bielema getting humiliated. So for today, and today alone, I will be out there cheering Jalen Hurts and the Tide. I want them to score 100 points unanswered. I am starving for the tears of Bielema in a postgame press conference after Alabama runs the score up. Break his soul, break his team and end is career with the Hogs. It’d be considered mercy at this point.

Roll Tide Roll!*

*We will return to our normal levels of hostility as soon as the sun rises Sunday morning.


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